Falling Sideways by Tom Holt

Author:Tom Holt [HOLT, TOM]
Language: eng
Format: epub, mobi
Tags: Fiction / Fantasy - Contemporary, Fiction / Humorous, Fiction / Satire
Publisher: Orbit
Published: 2012-09-03T16:00:00+00:00

CHAPTER ELEVEN

‘Would it be all right,’ David asked, ‘if I burst into tears at this point?’

She was only a few steps behind him. ‘Now what’s the matter?’ she was saying. ‘God, you don’t half make a fuss.’

He moved aside to let her past.

‘Right,’ she said, ‘I suppose I’d better be getting along.’ She hesitated, and frowned, as if making up her mind about something. ‘Thanks,’ she said. ‘For your help, I mean. At least, you didn’t help, exactly, but I suppose if it wasn’t for you I wouldn’t be here. Anyway, you turned out to be quite useful in the long run, even if it was by accident. So – well, thanks.’

‘Don’t mention it.’

She licked her right forefinger and dipped it into the sugar. ‘Well,’ she said, ‘I guess you should leave now. I know I said a lot of stuff about you going to our planet, but I wasn’t thinking straight at the time. I wouldn’t go there if I were you. They aren’t very keen on – well, strangers. At least, not your kind of—’ She tailed off, sounding rather unhappy. ‘Please go away,’ she said.

‘Oh.’ He hadn’t expected that. ‘But your spaceship.’

‘How many times have I got to tell you, it isn’t a spaceship, it’s a—’

‘Whatever the bloody hell it is.’ The vehemence of his own words surprised him; he wasn’t used to shouting at people, and he was rather pleased to discover that he was actually rather good at it. ‘It isn’t there any more. It’s gone.’

She looked at him. ‘No, it hasn’t,’ she said.

‘But . . .’ He looked back at her, with fifteen per cent extra, absolutely free. ‘All right, then,’ he said. ‘Where’s all the stuff gone? The computers and machines and stuff? It was absolutely jam-packed with them—’

‘What? Oh.’ And she giggled. He didn’t know she could do that. ‘Oh, none of that was real,’ she said. ‘It was, you know, like the frogs.’

He frowned, puzzled. ‘Recycled policemen?’

‘Optical illusions. Things you thought you could see, but they weren’t actually there. I forgot all about it till you mentioned it; standard operating procedure when we let primitives—’ She stopped and pretended she hadn’t just said the p-word. ‘When we let evolutionarily challenged life forms on board our transport platforms. We make them see what they expect to see. It keeps them happy, and it reduces the risk of them figuring out how our technology works.’

‘Ah. Fine.’ David looked round. ‘So that’s your technology, is it? A pound of Silver Spoon granulated?’

She shook her head. ‘No, silly, that’s a bag of sugar. We always like to suck something sweet during take-off. It helps with the spacesickness.’

‘But there’s nothing else here!’

‘Ah.’ She smiled. ‘That’s what all you pr— emerging species say. And that’s why we have to lay on all the imaginary clutter, to stop you panicking.’

He frowned. If this was drivel, at least it was internally consistent drivel, which put it a couple of notches above ninety per cent of what you heard on the television news.

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